Commitment issues

There are some people who can commit readily and others who have an eternal fear of commitment. I belong to the latter group. The only commitment I did easily was to get married. I really don't know what prompted me to get married to a guy I barely know. But my reasoning was that I had dated a guy for years but was still afraid to get married to him, but when I met the right guy I did not think twice. I think it was meant to be.. and I can find no other explanation.

Even when I decided to have a child, I was doubtful of my maternal feelings. I felt it was an irreversible decision, another life depends on you. It was a really big change. Looking back though I have to say, life has changed tremendously, I cannot imagine not having a child. My daughter though difficult at times, is most certainly the most beautiful thing in the world and we love her to death. I learn a lot from her. I am strict with her at times, only beause I don't want her to be a spoiled child. Now I realize why my parents were so strict and what they must have gone through raising us.

Some day, my child, I hope you understand this and also know that even though I get mad at you, I love you more than anything in this world and my only prayer is that you have a safe, healthy and happy and long life.

What can I say..

A weekend has gone by.. a very uneventful weekend.. of absolutely doing nothing. No exciting posts, nothing exciting to read.. then the thought occurred to me, why not just write. After years of reading blogs, this is my attempt at documenting some random thoughts that pass through my head, some stories of my life and discuss some issues.

A mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister etc. are the many roles that I play but these relationships do not define me. For a long time now, the story of Narada keeps coming to my mind. Narada in order to prove to Vishnu that he is the most devoted person, goes through a cycle of life. He falls in love with a village woman, married her, has children and is deeply involved in his life. Not once does he remember Vishnu. One day there is a storm and everything is destroyed, his wife and kids are dead and at that moment he remembers God. He realizes that it was all maya.

As days go by, I am more and more aware of this maya. I used to think that I was independent and was not too attached to anyone (except to amma). But as I am aging, I can see how attached I am to my child, to my husband, to my possessions, to my friends.. I am afraid that one day I'll realize that I am alone.

Earlier my biggest fear was not getting an A in my exam, and now my biggest fear is losing my loved ones.. gosh! how life changes!